Author: thegimlet

Today’s “5-Second Rule”

You remember the five-second rule. Drop a Cheeto on the kitchen floor, snatch it back before the count hits five and it’s still clean. *Magic* Germs didn’t have the time to notice it yet. Clearly, that logic was bullshit, but it let us pretend we weren’t shoving contaminated food into our mouths. Today’s 5-Second Rule weaponizes the same logic. However, this time, you’re the Cheeto.

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Paper or Plastic?

If you’re old enough, you might remember bagger competitions: teenagers racing to pack the most cans, the heaviest milk jug, the most delicate loaf of bread into a single brown paper sack without it tearing. Those bags had structural integrity. They stood up on their own in the trunk. They got reused to cover schoolbooks, wrap packages, line garbage bins, start fireplace fires. They were the multitaskers of the grocery world, and it only took one paper bag to carry what 8 (because some items need double bagging) plastic bags carry now.

Then came the choice: “Paper or plastic?”

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